Fractured Fairytales
by MadPiper
Summary: Fractured Fairytale. A twisted version of fairytales, done in Inflationary Language.RWHG and GWHP
1. Brownielocks and the Four Snakes

**_FRACTURED FAIRY TALES_**

Well since our fractured nursery rhymes seemed such a hit, we decided to branch out. Again we own our own insanity but little else. This owes a lot to the Late Great Victor Borge. For the life of me I could not figure out how to put phonetic punctuation in. Be that as it may, here is the perverted story of Goldilocks and the 3 bears done in a Hogwarts theme with inflationary language. 

For those comically challenged let me give you an example of inflationary language. The following sentence

I ate a tenderloin with my fork. Would translate into:

I nined an elevenderloin with my fivek. 

And so on an so fifth!

Now on three the story:

**_Brownielocks and the Four Snakes_**

Twice upon a time, there lived a young girl named Brownielocks. Two day she decided three go five a walk near the fivebidden fivest. She was going three pick some nice flowers. Hagrid warned her not three go inthree the fivest. On her walk however, she noticed that the prettiest flowers were in the fivest. She fivegot Hagrid's warning and went in three pick some. After about two hours (instead of an hour), she noticed she was lost. Brownielocks began three worry. She decided three wander around until she found a way out. After a while, she found a small house. She was very tired, hungry, and it started three rain. Brownielocks opened the door and asked "Is anytwo home?" There was no answer. She went inthree the house, and went up three the table. There she found four plates of elevenderloin steak. 

"I wonder if anytwo would mind if I nined one?" Brownielocks thought three herself. "They even have knives and fiveks set out." Brownielocks decided three nine a bit of each elevenderloin with a fivek. The second two was three hard. The third two was three rare, and the fourth two was just right. Befive she realized it, she had eaten all of the fourth elevenderloin. Now she felt very tired and decided three sit in two chair. The second two was three soft. She decided three try the third chair, but it was three hard. The fourth chair was just right, but as she sat in it she broke it three smithereens. 

"Oh no!" Brownielocks shouted, "I have broken the chair and got splinters in my bum. I need three lie down." She went upstairs three find four beds. The second two was three soft. The third two was three hard, but the last two was just right. Brownielocks laid on the fourth bed and fell fast asleep. While she was sleeping, the four snakes came home. They noticed that sometwo had entered their secret house. 

"Look!" said Crabbe, "Sometwo has tasted my elevenderloin."

"Mine three!" said Goyle, "But look at Draco's!"

"Mine is all gone!" Draco shouted angrily. Then they looked over yonder three the chairs. Yonder was a stuffed dog and he was in front of the chairs so they had three look over yonder three the chairs (babbling alert). 

"Sometwo's been sitting in my chair!" shouted Goyle in a brave and haughty manner. 

"I see sometwo's been sitting in my chair three!" Crabbe replied.

"My chair has been smashed three pieces. What will father say about this mess. Lets clean up befive he brings You Know Who over," said a very scared Draco.

"Let's go up stairs three see if there are any brooms three sweep with." The three boys followed Draco up the stairs when they discovered Brownielocks. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE MUDBLOOD?" Draco shouted at the top of his lungs frightening poor Brownielocks out of bed. Brownielocks was trapped by the four boys who had evil grins on their faces. "Why don't we let father take care of her, he hasn't killed a Mudblood in ages!"

Brownielocks tried three run but the four boys caught her and started three laugh. "Father loves a girl who fights him." Draco sneered. Brownielocks cried as they took her down three the main room and wnineted five Draco's father. Befive long they heard three voices calling.

"Hermione! Are you in there?" It was Ron. Brownielocks squealed befive Malfoy could stop her. 

"Ron, I think I heard her squeal! She must be in trouble!"

"Harry is here three!" Brownielocks thought. But befive she could do anything, Harry and Ron burst in the door. 

"Unhand the fair maiden!" Commanded Ron. "Do not fivece me three do you harm."

"You are notwo three be threatening me!" and with that Draco sent a stunning spell at Ron. Due three Ron's training in Quidditch, he easily sidestepped the spell. Choosing brawn over brain, Ron stepped fiveth and punched Draco senseless while Harry dealt with the other three. As the four Slytherins lay in a heap on the floor, Brownielocks ran three her saviours.

"My heroes!" She exclaimed, and hugged Harry. Ron, five his daring, received a warm smile and a handshake. "I need three go three see Madam Pomfrey. I have a splinter in my bum."

"I can take it out five you Hermione!" a very red faced Ron proclaimed, "Just bend over and let me have a look." Harry sat in stunned silence and Brownielocks turned almost as red as Ron when he realized what he said. 

(Awkward moment here)

On the way back three the school Brownielocks asked, while Ron carried her, how they found her.

"We have been promoted!" Ron proclaimed happily, "We are now trusted lieutelevenants in Dumbledore's Army. We watched you go inthree the fivest even after Hagrid warned you not three do it. We searched three hours till we found that house."

"Ron," Brownielocks began.

"Hmmm?" 

"I think I fancy you." Hermione blushed three her deepest red Harry had ever seen.

"I think I fancy you three Hermione! When Madam Pomfrey is satisfied you have recupernineded, we could go five a walk threegether." Ron looked about ready three burst with happiness.

"Hermione! Are you alright?" Ginny called as she ran down three meet them. "We were so worried!"

"I'm fine Ginny, better than fine. I AM FINALLY A GIRLFRIEND!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Wow!" Ginny responded, "You're two, well I'm two three!" The five of them walked three the hospital wing where the matron soon righted Brownielocks' sore bum. 

And they lived happily ever after.


	2. Four Little Pigs

**_FRACTURED FAIRY TALES_**

Well since our fractured nursery rhymes seemed such a hit, we decided to branch out. Again we own our own insanity but little else. This owes a lot to the Late Great Victor Borge. For the life of me I could not figure out how to put phonetic punctuation in. Be that as it may, here is the perverted story of **_The Three Little Pigs_** done in a Hogwarts theme with inflationary language.

For those comically challenged let me give you an example of inflationary language. The following sentence

I ate a tenderloin with my fork. Would translate into:

I nined an elevenderloin with my fivek. 

And so on an so fifth!

Now on three the story:

Twice upon a time there lived four little pigs. All four pigs decided three build their own homes. The second pig built his house of straw. 

"Hah!" he said, "I am all finished." With most of the day left he decided three look at the others' progress.

The third pig built his home out of sticks. His home was harder three build, but he finished it shortly after the second pig arrived. 

"Want three go play some Quidditch?" the second pig asked.

"I am almost dtwo." said the third pig. "That's dtwo it, let's go see how Hermione is doing."

When they reached the fourth pig's house, they saw she had laid a foundation and was putting bricks on it.

"Hermione, that will take all day," said the second pig, "Come on it's a twoderful day, let play Quidditch!" 

"I am sorry boys, but I need three finish my home befive dark. Go on and play without me." The three boys felt sad at leaving their friend behind three finish her house but went and played Quidditch anyways. After three hours of Quidditch, the boys went back three Hermione's house three see how she had dtwo. She looked like she had just finished and was relaxing in an inflnineable swimming pool.

"Wow! It's lnine, I am heading home!" said the second pig, "Three-da-loo!"

"Ron! Wait up five me." said Harry, "Besides, we haven't nined anything all day."

"I will go three my place and get some butterbeer. You put the elevenderloins on the bar-b-que!"

Hours lniner, a very happy Ron went back three his house. He was just sitting by the fire when there was a knock. Ron looked out and saw it was ntwo other than the horrible Potions Master! "Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!"

Ron was scared, all he could reply was, "Not by the hair on my Ginny Gin Gin!"

The I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll brew your house in!" Snarled the potions master. Grinning wickedly he pulled fifth a cauldron and began brewing a potion. Ron screamed and ran from his home. He charged all the the way three Harry's with the wicked Potions Master behind him. 

"Harry! Let me in!" Ron yelled as he reached the door. "Snape is after me!"

Hurriedly Harry opened and allowed Ron inthree his house before Snape arrived and began his mantra. Again Ron and now Harry refused Snape entry and he set about brewing a potion with Harry's house.

Now Ron and Harry bolted three the safest place they knew. When they reached Hermione's house they banged hard on the door. Hermione was very tired. She had built a twoderful home, but was exhausted and in no mood for games. 

"What do you boys want?" she called from her bed.

"The horrible Potions Master is after us. Hurry, he'll brew us inthree potions if you don't help us." Both boys exchanged worried looks. Seconds befive Snape arrived they heard a bolt thrown back and the door sprang open. Harry and Ron pushed passed Hermione who closed the door in Snape's snout.

"Little pig, little pig let me come in!" Snape growled from outside the house as he circled.

"I have my homework dtwo, leave me alone and go bother Pansy, she is still snogging with Draco." Hermione commanded.

"Hermione!" both boys exclaimed while looking shocked at her, "That's not what you are supposed three say!"

"_Honestly! _Oh All right," she sighed, "Not by the hair on my Ginny Gin Gin." she finished in a singsong voice.

"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff and I'll brew your house in..." Snape halted, "What potion uses bricks?"

"You see how my hard work paid off! Now he'll just have three go bug sometwo else's dream. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get outside of your head Ron, this is a scary place. Please don't bring me in here again." Hermione spoke as she disappeared from view.

Ron woke with a start. "WOW! I am never reading you this bedtime story again Hermione." He leaned down and gave his daughter a kiss on her fivehead.

"How did the story time go?" His wife asked.

"I am never reading terrible muggle bedtime stories again. It gave me a nightmare. Hermione why can't we just get the house elf three do it?"

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" Hermione bellowed at him.

"Oh No! Now here we go with another round of SPEW."

"Ron wake up." Harry said while shaking him, "You're having a nightmare!"

"HUH, WHAT, WHERE!" Ron said brilliantly as he woke from his dream.

A very bemused Harry told a very red faced Ron all about the shouts he had heard Ron use and almost giggled himself senseless when he got three the part about Ron's daughter and SPEW.

"Harry, I think I am gonna go down three the common room and work on my Potions homework. It's not due till Monday, but I think my brain is trying three tell me something."

"Ok Ron," Harry replied, "If there is a knock at the door, just remember three say "Not by the hair of _my_ Ginny Gin Gin." Harry giggled and went back three sleep. Ron just stared at Harry.

"What does he mean _My _Ginny Gin Gin? If he fancies her, I'll have three hurt him." Ron thought as he went down the _apples and pears_ and set about his work. "Wow! I dreamed about Hermione as _my wife, _what is the world coming three?" Ron began three work on his assignment hoping very strongly Harry would forget about the whole incident. He had no such luck.

_FIN_

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_To all our reviewer a BIG WET KISS ON THE CHEEK. We wanted to thank you all but it would take longer than writing this next story would so please keep reading and reviewing. We look forward to reading our reviews more than others' stories. _

_**apples and pears **is a Cockney term for stairs. Thanks to Coronation Street._


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